The part of "no" that I don't understand, is the part where I don't get what I want.

Sorry it's been so long since I've written. Now that our littlest one is on the move, I'm finding it harder and harder to find time to write.

Update on our case:

Many of you have been asking if the foster case we have now, has switched to adoption yet. The answer is No.

There are so many emotions, thoughts and ideas running around in my head about this. So I'm just going to stick to the facts. The DSS team was able to group the siblings together in "the system" so that now all of their PTAT meetings are together and so are their court dates. This is great! Less traveling for us, and it reassures me that they will stay together, no matter what the outcome is.

Second: Even though D has been in the system for 19 months, little brother is only 6 months old. The law gives the parent a year to get their kids back. For brother it has only been 6 months, and bio-parents have a very good lawyer. So the DSS team voted against moving the case toward adoption until little brother is a year old. This means D will be 2 yrs, and N will be 1yr before they become available to adopt.

Third: We have court in June. The judge could look at all of this and throw it out and do whatever he pleases. This means he could switch the case to adoption if he wants. Or he could keep things the way we are. We will have to wait and see.

The difficult part of this, for me, is that our social worker was almost positive they would switch the case to adoption this past week... before our June court date. One of ours got sick the night before the meeting, so I was not able to attend. I thought the bio-parents would be there, but apparently one was in the shower, and the other was babysitting for her "homegirl". So she couldn't visit her kids. I was expecting the social worker to tell me the plan was switched to adoption-but that's not what happened.

We are going on 5 weeks of no visits. Twice I have driven the 45 min drive, only to arrive and wait. The bio-parents call AFTER the allotted visit time and cancel. By then, I've already paid my sitter, and gas... and time. Ugh.. I get so mad.

The bio-mom used to call weekly to check on her tikes. Sometimes, when they were sick, she would text daily. Up until yesterday, I hadn't heard from her in 5 weeks. I finally called her yesterday, and left a voicemail. I told her I was worried about her and wanted to know why she wasn't showing up for visits. I went to Walmart to get some lemonade stand supplies and she called back. She started by saying she's just barely hanging on. Dad was locked up again and she had to bail him out with cash. Then came the excuse that they weren't going to give her the kids back anyway, so why try? And then we talked about why she stopped attending drug class (for the 4th time).. and she said it was just "too uncomfortable".

I was sitting in a patio chair, in Walmart's "summer" aisle as I listened to her cry excuses over the phone. When she said she was just "too uncomfortable" to attend drug class--I gave up. In that moment, I absolutely gave up. I didn't stop caring for her as a person. I just gave up trying to change her. Would Jesus have given up? Probably not. But I am human, I have 6 little ones to care for, and a husband who is prepping to deploy again. I can no longer invest emotions into someone that isn't trying. As I prepare for deployment, I have to cut my losses and she happens to be one of them. I am angry at myself, I'm angry at her, and I'm angry for her kids. I'm angry that the adults in her life didn't teach her better. I would even go as far to say I'm slightly angry at God for not helping me out a little. (don't worry, He knows this and I'm sure he can handle it.) Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one trying to get her back on her feet so she can have her kids back. I can't do that anymore!

Because bio-mom refuses to relinquish her rights, this has to go to court (and drag out). And it has to last until at least November. So technically, she could magically do a 180 and her kids would get to be reunited with her. We are all for reunification... but honestly at this point, I think it's a little late. It would be unfair to the kids. D calls me mommy. She thinks this is her home, her bed, her siblings. We've given her no reason to think she is any different. If she goes back, it would be too traumatic for her I think.  

The other scary factor in this, is the military. As soon as hubby returns from deployment, we are set to receive a new assignment. If we get government orders to move, we move. Reguardless if the kids are ours or not.. we have to leave. If they aren't officially "ours", they have to go to another foster family in the county. If that's going to happen.. I'd rather it happen now, instead of waiting for them to get more attached to us. Either way, it's a mess, and heartbreaking. I've always wanted to adopt, but I never assumed it would happen in this way. In fact, we got into fostering to help as many people as possible.. and now these bio-parents are preventing us from helping anyone but them! It is maddening at times. 

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Another stage of life I'm entering is: raising kids. 

What?! I know, right? You give birth, who expects to actually raise them. ;) 

No, what I mean is... we're done "having" kids. We literally can't fit anymore in our van. Six is a lot! I don't like being pregnant at all.. but my body and my mind are still geared for "reproduction".. ok, I'm trying not to make this weird. My words aren't coming out quite right. I don't want to get pregnant. I agree that we are done. But then, what's next? 

*Like, ok... you date for the reason of finding your mate. *You find him/her, you plan a wedding (fun!).

*You get married and start talking about pets (fun!). *You pick out a puppy.
*Then you talk about kids...
*so then you get pregnant... (exciting!).
*Life changes forever. You spend 9 months prepping and your whole world is about this little human being getting ready to arrive.
*Well then they arrive... and you spend 18 months getting into a routine.
*Then you start talking about having another kid.
*Kid #2 happens.. and so on; as many times as you would like. In our case, 4 times.

Ok, so now what? What exciting thing happens now? I have no wedding to plan, no baby shower to host, no newborn clothes to fold and prepare... I get to raise kids. That doesn't sound fun to me. Am I bad?  I was REALLY struggling to wrap my brain around this... the "what's left" stage. All I could think about was nursing homes. Yes, I'm weird...

Well, I came across a list that I made (probably back in college) of things I couldn't wait to do when I had kids. Camp, hunt, lemonade stands, building forts, hiking, bike riding, etc. Um hello.... I get to do all of these things NOW! So... we got to work making our second annual "summer to-do list"... this year I got to add a few things we couldn't do last year because the kids were too young. That is changing. :) 

Last night we did a lemonade stand:  

Our flyers

Lemonade and Sweet Tea

Cupcakes!

Sitting at the stand 

There are still days/nights where I feel unwelcome in my own skin. But I'm wrapping my brain around this stage slowly but surely. Soon it will pass and I will have empty nest syndrome, wondering why I didn't cherish the years my kids were little. So, here I am... cherishing them. I hope you're happy "future me"! I'm doing my best!! 

Building Forts --->