For those that are wondering what is going, I'm mostly talking about our current foster care situation. Our FD's mother gave birth a couple of weeks ago and the county has taken this second baby into custody.
There was always speculation on whether or not baby 2 would be removed because the parent's habits hadn't changed much (if, at all). But, no one can officially remove a baby from a bad situation until the baby enters the situation. In our state, only 5 children are allowed in each foster home (including biological children). So we are at our max. The only time they will make exceptions to this rule, is for sibling groups and ONLY if the family has bedroom space. We have space in our house... but that's about it.
My husband and I talked almost daily about what our answer would be if they asked us. Emotionally, who can turn down a helpless newborn. We also know that the goal is always reunification and keeping siblings together. If we said "no" to baby 2, we had to be ready to let baby 1 go, so she could be placed with brother. We knew we weren't ready for her to leave, unless to go back to her parents. But many things in our life didn't appear to be able to "fit" in a 6th child. Our hearts could easily say yes, but logically we wanted to say no. The two didn't agree and this left us constantly feeling unsettled. It felt crazy to debate a situation that hadn't happened yet, but to ignore the obvious also seemed disturbing.
My emotions were leading me, and my husband was being the realist. This is funny to me (now), because I am typically the realist and he leads with his heart. So for the first time in our married life, our roles were reversed.
Lesson #1: I now can empathize MORE when my husband "dreams" of certain things that I think are impossible due to the facts laid out before us. I no longer shut him down with "facts", I now know where he is coming from and I am more apt to listen and be open-minded about his ideas, than before.
The week of Halloween, my husband's car took a nose dive. We have been sticking band-aids on this car for a year now. Pouring money into simple repairs just to keep it going for a few more months. We took it in for what we thought was just a new spark plug set (I don't speak car, so if that's not a real repair, then forgive me. It was something like that). The guy calls us an hour later and said it wasn't the spark plugs, in was some head gasket thingy and since this car was so old, they no longer make that part. It would have to be specially ordered and he had no idea where to begin finding this model of a part. We asked him to call us back when he found out more. Two days later, he called us with a price quote of $2000. We said no thanks, we would just take it home and limp it along this week until we could come up with a plan B.
Lesson #2: "Remember that not getting what you want, is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck." -Dalai Lama
So the moment came when we got the call that mom was in labor. She delivered so fast (almost in the ambulance) that I was not able to be there for the birth like she had wanted me to be. I found this to be a great relief. When she asked me to be at the birth, I wasn't sure I wanted to be or should be. I didn't want to be there for the drug test results, or possibly bad news... so being there for L&D on top of everything else, seemed like too much for my heart. I did find a sitter and was there about 2 hours after she delivered. I visited with her and was thankful the baby was not in the room. I didn't want to see him, or hold him. Bio-mom told me they were waiting on the drug test results to come back before they brought him to her. When she fell asleep, I thought it would be a good time to go. As I was walking out, I had to walk past the nursery windows. On my way in, the windows were blocked by a flock of eager family members from another birth that had just happened. But now, as I passed, no one was blocking my view. Ugh... of course I slowed down. Who doesn't like to see new babies? (you're crazy btw)
There were about 7 babies in the nursery that morning. All of them were being fussed with by nurses running various tests or taking stats. But there was one baby in a bassinet, sleeping peacefully and pushed right up to the window. The other babies didn't have names attached to them because they were not in their little bassinets, but this baby was. I thought it was strange that a baby was so close to the window and no one was looking at him from the hall. So I stopped.... I looked... and it was him.
Before, like I said, when I came in, the hallway was crowded with family taking pictures and laughing and whispering sweet things. It was so thick, you could feel the excitement oozing from them. When I stopped on my way out, it was me...alone in the hall...no one was excitedly whispering over this baby. A lump rose in my throat... no one was celebrating this baby. No one was holding him, no one was taking his picture, and smiling at his every move. I felt like I had been hit by a brick wall.
Long story short, I talked about it with my husband, and I went back that evening. The nurse had shared with me earlier, that she was overloaded with patients and bio-mom kept falling asleep while holding the baby, so they were constantly checking in on her and she felt better knowing I was in the room. When I returned, they brought the baby to the room. I watched patiently as I talked mom through the proper way to swaddle him, how to change him quickly, how to hold him so she could get a good burp. He was pretty fussy and I recognized the shrill of a drug baby that I had been warned about. I asked her about the drug test results and she said they came back positive. I then verbally prepped her that they might take him into custody. She cried, she grieved and then she asked me to keep him for her. I defaulted back to my "robo-answer"... "It's not up to me, it's up to DSS. I'm just here to help you." Soon, mom's emotion was feeding the baby's emotion and while mom went out for a smoke break, I paced the floor with the baby. He quieted instantly. It felt good that I could comfort him so easily. I stayed until visiting hours were over and helped mom get ready for bed and baby back to the nursery. On my way out, I met DSS coming in. I recognized our social worker and she asked the official question. "If we have to take him into custody, will you guys consider taking him?" I said "We will talk about it and let you know." I drove home and couldn't help but smell my shirt a few times because it smelled like a new baby. (Moms, you know that smell.) I was much more sad than I thought I would be. I now felt like we should take him if the situation presented itself. But I knew my husband didn't think we should. My obligation was first and foremost to him. I wanted to respect his wishes.
The next night he offered to go to the hospital with me. He helped explain paperwork that they had received from the social workers. We gave them tips on how to reunify with their children faster. We brought their daughter to visit that night, along with a meal. The next morning I was scheduled for a migraine well-check at an office across the street from the hospital. This appointment had been in the books for 6 months. I go twice a year for rechecks and had even kept the voice-mail reminder from the caller system. My sitter came, I drove to my appointment. When I checked in, they told me my appointment was the day prior. I said, "No, here's my voicemail reminder." and I played it for them. She looked shocked and said "I'm so sorry, I don't know what happened, but he can't see you today. He's booked. Can you come next month instead?" So we rescheduled. I had already paid my sitter for three hours. (I knew exactly how long I would be gone because this was a routine appointment!) Now, I have nothing to do for three hours! Seriously?? That never happens! Let alone, right across from the hospital, 40 minutes from home. I called my husband and we agreed I should go help bio-mom pack up to go home. She didn't have family there, so that's what I did. At that point we all knew baby was not going home with her. I was prepared for her to be an emotional wreck. This wasn't enjoyable for me, but it is a calling, so I felt God's presence with me as I crossed the street and headed up to her room. The nurses knew me by then, and signaled they were ready.
I stayed as the hospital social workers broke the "official" news to her. I don't want to go into detail about her reaction. But I will say, it was very very sad. I took frequent breaks to the lobby for fresh air and to clear my mind. Bio-mom kept asking me if they were placing him with us. I didn't know the answer to that. Yes, they had asked us, but they didn't tell us officially that's what the plan was. When I called to try and find that answer out, they said "For confidentiality reasons, we cannot tell you that." So I assumed that meant they were placing him with another family. I did not share this news with bio-mom. She specifically wanted him to go to us, and I didn't want to make this day any harder on her. Soon, my husband joined me in the lobby after work. He went with me to explain to her that we knew nothing other than what they had already told her. And at that point, we don't know where the baby is going.
He and I left, hand in hand and I had a moment of tears yet again. I was sad for the mother. I know that sounds weird. She made her bed, she should lie in it. But for some reason I don't work that way. I can't imagine losing one of my kids because I made poor choices. I can't imagine being born into a family that taught me to put myself and my needs above anything else. This mom was raised like that. If it felt good, she should do it. She was never taught consequences. Yes, she is an adult now, and she makes her own decisions and has had enough consequences that it should "hit home" for her.
But think of it like this: How many of you have 4-11 year olds at home? How many times do you have to remind your child to make the right decision verses a decision that will give them instant gratification? A lot right? Well this bio-mom is JUST NOW learning that life lesson. And her consequences are losing her children...not just a time-out or an early bedtime. I was sad for the little baby and suddenly extremely sad that we weren't the ones taking him home. But I knew if he were to be with us, God was in control. This must be His plan, that he wasn't meant to come with us. I was sad, because I loved on the little guy for the past 3 days, but I was going to be okay. I expected an emotional turmoil.
Lesson #3: Learning to live with things that are out of my control. Not knowing where this baby was going could easily drive me crazy. I wanted to know who he was with. Were they a good person? Did they know about drug babies? But after each new hurdle, I realized I was "going with the flow" more easily than I would have a year ago.
The night prior to this, my husband and I decided that if "the call" was officially made where they asked us to take him, that he would be the one to answer that and explain that although we desperately want to keep the siblings together that we didn't think we had the resources to do so. So that particular day, since he met me at the hospital, we drove home in separate cars. Halfway home, he called me and said he had received "the call"... and I said "So what did you say?" and he said "I said yes." but there was a moment of bittersweet silence between us. We knew that this meant more work, more emotion, a longer tie to the birth family. But we also knew why we got into fostering in the first place. Lesson #4: You don't have to have it all figured out to move forward.
There is a part of you that feels trapped when you make a decision like this. Especially when the system tells you that all of the families in your county are at capacity and they have to call the state to make an exception for anyone, they'd rather it be you. They also don't want to remove our foster daughter and have her get used to a new family. We certainly don't want that either. It also feels 'right' because the bio-parents want their children with us. So what's the hesitation? It used to be vehicle space (it was never about house space or baby items), but since we just purchased a new van, that wasn't an "excuse" anymore. We also had to think about if saying "yes" to another child, would be saying "no", to the family structure we already have. After weeks of thinking about this possibility, we had already realized that saying "yes" wouldn't deprive anyone we currently are raising, of the love and attention they would need. In fact, after proposing the possibility to our kids, they were eager to help another child who needed us. So it really came down to, there was no reason to say no, and our hesitation was strictly lack of faith.
That night, we got home, and readjusted our focus. What do we need for baby? The social worker had said he would be arriving the next afternoon. I ran to Walmart and picked up smaller diapers, a few extra pacifiers and a set of onesies until I could crawl up in the attic and get down our baby clothes to rewash. We went to bed that night, preparing our hearts for a baby, the next day. I called our small support system of friends and family and asked for prayer....
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It's been almost 3 weeks, and he is still not here. He went home with a respite care nurse that night (and every night since) and he spends his days in daycare. Both counties (the one we live in, & the one we are working for) have agreed to expand our child capacity to accommodate brother, and the state has approved it verbally, over the phone. But until the official paperwork arrives, we cannot take him into our home as a foster child. Because we've passed both Veteran's Day and Thanksgiving, the paperwork process has been slower than usual. The waiting has shown us a lot of things. First it has shown us how much we really DO want him! Once you change gears, there's a certain emotion that comes with learning you will be caring for a newborn. Our first reaction was "Oh great...long nights again!" (our kids all sleep 12 hours uninterrupted each night.) However, I can now begin to comprehend what a "waiting mother" feels like. The one who is waiting to adopt a child, who has her heart on her sleeve and could possibly be rejected. Washing and folding little baby things, for a baby that may never arrive. The more things we dig out and "ooo & awe" over, the more we can't wait for him to be here.
I have also learned what it means to move forward on faith, and praise Him even when we can't see the bigger picture. Even in my anger, moments of doubt and def. in my sadness, I still can see reasons to be thankful. I remember my days as a young single mom, like it were yesterday. I could've easily taken a different path if God hadn't placed people in my life to keep me on track. It's all too easy to empathize with this young mother because I've been there in some aspects. Always fretting I would make a mistake that would lead them to believe I was unfit and they would take him. I know, this mother has deeper issues, but I remember that feeling all too well. It's not just a worry for this bio-mom, it's now her reality. Sadness and frustration are just the tip of the ice-burg. There is also sadness and anger at the process and how long it is. I had no idea!! So for those wondering... we are now at the acceptance stage. Instead of trying to plan our day/week around what the social workers are telling us, we are just living life normally. With other foster children, we usually get a 10 minute "head's up" call before they drop him/her off. So this is the first time we've known about a case, said yes, and had to wait. It's weird. But we are now at peace with everything. Took us the entire 3 weeks to get here, and it wasn't fun (or very pretty), but we certainly continue to learn through this process.
We know that God's timing is perfect, and although we have moments of "hurry up because we've got a million other things we need to get ready for, we just want to get used to having 6!" I have more faith in God's timing with every day that passes.
Thanks for reading my novel and thanks for all your prayers for our family during this uncertain time. My biggest request now is simply for baby. Pray that he adjusts well to the rough start that life has thrown at him.
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