My mind has been extra busy thinking about the miscarriage we had back in May over our 10 yr wedding anniversary. As I've looked in the mirror over the past 4 months, I would wonder how big my “bump” would be by whatever date it was. I don't think I will ever stop feeling "pregnant" until possibly after we pass our due date in November. Maybe then I can find a different kind of closure. I have been very touched by all of the stories and experiences shared with me about baby loss throughout these months. The experience of miscarrying a baby in the 16th week has been an incredibly painful, intense, and awe-inspiring journey. It is a topic I had worried about several times during adulthood, knowing that it could happen to anyone, and was as close, in my life, as some of my very best friends. Although many people in my life have faced this challenge, I never knew how much my views and understanding of this subject would expand and deepen after miscarrying myself. It has been a life altering experience, to say the least.
Today, I would have been 33 weeks along. I would have been expecting to meet my darling little girl shortly, and help her begin her journey on earth – There were pictures I wanted to take, little hands I wanted to wipe, and giggling at her learning new things. Today, I am choosing to honor what my baby has given me instead of lament in what I have lost. I am choosing to focus on love today. Here are 10 lessons I have learned from my miscarriage.
1) Life is a miracle.
It is so amazing how life starts and how simply finding out that you're pregnant changes EVERYTHING in your mind. Having had 4 straight forward pregnancies before miscarrying, the process seemed wonderful but somewhat simple. Now I realize how intricate and complicated it really is to create and sustain life – and how trusting we must be since so much is out of our control.
2) Mixed up emotions are normal.
The feelings that come after seeing your friends and family have other pregnancies and birth news, sometimes catches me off guard. It is not that I am jealous or comparing my situation, but sometimes other babies simply remind me of what I have lost. Especially those friends with whom I originally shared a due date with. I have pain in my heart, but I am also very excited and happy for them. I have learned now that you can feel many things at once, and that accepting the validity of each emotion (even if they seem to contradict each other) can help you work through them and move forward.
3) Wisdom
The aftermath of certain life experiences can be more than expected. The miscarriage itself was more consuming than I could have ever predicted. But I never knew that the aftermath – the milestone dates, the process of choosing if we want to get pregnant again, all the fear associated with pregnancy, and even my relationships – could be so interwoven with my miscarriage experience. Through this understanding, I have learned not to assume anyone is “finished” dealing with an issue and to try to be more tactful.
4) Planning cannot guard you from pain
I am a HUGE planner. But I had never taken my miscarriage into account. I have now learned that I can plan as much as I want to but, to save myself disappointment, I need to open my heart to whatever may come. Losing my baby has been a true lesson for me to remember how fast life can be altered – or lost – without any warning, at any time. Life is so easily taken for granted, and my baby has reminded me how important it is to be thankful for the time we do have.
5) Vulnerability
Time does heal… but the sadness may never go away. I feel much “better” than I did even just a few months ago. But that does not mean the sadness has gone away. A friend recently sent me an article from the NY Times which, although is not about miscarriage specifically, made me realize that grief in itself is an emotion that can last for years, for decades, and there is nothing *wrong* with that. These feelings may make us feel vulnerable, but that is just part of the life and growth cycle.
6) People can have a great impact on you, even if you do not know them.
I experienced a late miscarriage, and this little baby has had a huge influence on my life over the last 8 months – and will continue to do so forever. It has made me consider how many other people are influencing me without me even knowing, and how respectful I should be of every single person near and far. As a human family, we are all so interconnected. The doctor who was my OB, goes to my church, seeing him doesn't bother me. I feel such a connection there. And the Director of the OB floor at the bigger hospital was with me every minute of my surgery (he performed it) and even after, he gave us his cellphone. To this day, if I have questions, and I text him, he responds with such kindness and affection. How I went from a room full of strangers that day, to people I still see and keep in touch with. They have helped me start up a "Cuddlers Program" in our local hospital and for now I can volunteer in their nursery with rocking babies until our local hospital passes my idea. I'm now making an impact on people that do not even know me. Something I would've never reached out of my comfort zone to do before my miscarriage.
7) Thoughtfulness
The messages I received from many people helped heal my heart to a great degree, but the friends who brought me food, created a remembrance necklace for my baby, and to my husband who kept me company CONSTANTLY (even when I was a bawling, angry mess) saved me from isolation and loneliness within myself. These gestures meant the world to me at a time I was incredibly lonely. From experiencing the benefits of action, I have resolved myself to do my best to be a better hands-on friend in the future.
8) Empathy
We can never know everything that is going on in the life of someone else. Someone may be holding things together pretty much everywhere but inside – and you may only see signs of their hardship through things like forgetfulness/ backing out of plans/ apparent grumpiness etc. It is a reminder to me to try to be a little more compassionate with everyone… you never know what they have experienced and are dealing with.
10) Submission
No matter how hard you search for reasons, there is an uncertainty and mystery in life. I cannot convince myself to be “satisfied” with the reasons for what happened. We know that there was nothing genetically abnormal about her, she appeared to be healthy and growing fine. Her heart just stopped, right in front of me during an ultrasound. But those experiences only address the logical part of my being and do not give me comfort. Instead I have to try to find a way to move forward, submitting to God the mystery of the world, instead of searching for reasons. I don't need reasons to keep trusting.
11) BONUS- Lesson I learned
Healing may be different from what you envision it to be. During my healing process, I cried, wrote, emailed with a lot of friends, and tried to immerse myself in meaningful work. I have heard others painted, wrote poetry, planted trees, created scrap books, bought art or ornaments, and created special family traditions in memory of their lost ones. Whatever way you would like to go through the healing process is right for you.I find driving in the car listening to music is the time that I feel most comfortable thinking of my baby. I give myself permission not to think about the to-do lists or the jobs I could be doing, but just relax and think about my little one. Just acknowledging my baby’s reality helps me feel closer to him/her.
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All these “life lessons” I learned from a little baby that was growing inside me for such a short time. They are gifts that will last a lifetime as I hold the memory of Alice close to my heart.
I know everyone’s experience of miscarriage is unique. I have decided to open up about this subject because I believe it is very important to address; so many women experience miscarriage in their lifetime and suffer in silence and isolation. You may or may not relate to the points mentioned above. I welcome you to share your own experiences and lessons in the comments below.
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