I have had a blur of thoughts spinning through my head this week, about this blog post. What should I focus on? Some things were exciting, some were funny and some were bummer moments. But the theme that stayed consistent through every event, was disappointment. Yep, even in the exciting moments, I experienced disappointment. (if you're in a hurry, you may skip the part in blue. actually, if you're in a hurry, don't read this at all; it's practically a novel.)
For anyone that really really knows me, and I mean REALLY knows me.... you will know that I am a pessimist at heart. Rarely do I say "That's disappointing!" I usually say "I knew it!" I call myself a realist, but that's my way of sugar coating that I'm a "Debbie Downer" (by the way, I do know a Debbie that is a downer. Every time I say "Debbie Downer" I have to laugh because I think of her. Anyway...)In my quest to be "real" in a society that insists we be what everyone else wants us to be. I have to own up to the fact that I have "Generalized Anxiety Disorder" and I suffer from panic attacks often. I don't like planes (because I'm not the pilot), I don't like crowds (because I can't lead them), I don't like lots of noise (because no one can hear me- what if my kids need to hear me?), I don't like the Army (because I can't pick when and where my husband deploys, or where we will live). Ok, revise this whole paragraph and just say that I am a control freak.
I have learned to "Hope for the best, and expect the worst." Well, that first part was unnecessary. I just expect the worst. I do it so often, sometimes I think I make the worst happen just by my crappy attitude. I also began noticing (about 2 years ago), how much my kids reflect my negativity. SO... for about 10 months now, I have been working on putting a positive spin on disappointments.
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Now don't get me wrong, there are some instances in which there's no way to put a positive spin on a disappointment. Death is one that immediately comes to mind. Positive things happen through those who live through the mourning process of losing a loved one. A charity is started, a bill is passed to protect others, but really...what they have to go through is not fun at all. In those cases, you just have to endure.
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This week was supposed to be crazy busy for our family. I was not looking forward to it, at all. I had so many things going at once, and none were avoidable. Because I had no "chicken exit" (you know, like the kind before you board a roller coaster?) I was really anxious about the week starting. I even had a panic attack in a public place. Very embarrassing...I felt stupid.
I prepped so much for this week, that on the first day, I was running around like mad trying to get to my next appointment when my husband flew through the house, and said "Our van is not starting again!" before shooting out the door to jump start it. I plopped down on the stairs to put my shoes on and yelled out loud to myself "Why didn't you hire a sitter today!?" Almost, as if magical, my sitter shows up in the yard. What?! She explained that I had hired her for this day about two weeks ago. Aah! I now remember asking her, but obviously did not plug it into my calendar. Thank you Lord! It was so great because after C got the van to the shop, it proceeded to be a bigger issue than planned, and if he had taken the babies (like he was supposed to), he would have had his hands FULL.
That was day ONE of crazy week. Day two, my daughter woke up with a rash on her face. By noon she was grumpy and complaining of being itchy. By the time we got home and she showered, her face was swelling and she was covered in hives. I spent the rest of day 2 figuring her out. Then proceeded to be up with her tossing and turning all night. By the time the sun was up on day 3, I noticed that nothing was keeping the hives and swelling from spreading. So we spent ALL of day 3
But I am home today with her, missing my 3 other obligations for today. I hate when people don't show up for me. Especially if they've scheduled an appointment. So the fact that I had to call about 6 people and cancel on them is bothering me. I'm disappointed in myself even though nothing is my fault. It's just life.
This chain of unexpected events, is what allowed me time to blog today. I just knew (as if God didn't smack me upside the head enough) that my topic had to be disappointment.
The above problems are life's little disappointments. Everyone has them at one time or another.
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We also had some exciting things happen this week. We were invited to the White House to have dinner and watch fireworks with the First Family ON the 4th of July!! Yay! Was I disappointed? Truthfully? *sigh* Yep....a little.
Why?? Haha... #1 reason....*thoughtful pause* I'm not a big Obama fan (Shh!) Setting all politics aside, if he lived in my subdivision, we'd be friends, for sure. However, he doesn't, he is the President and I have different views than he does. I respect the fact that I am not in his shoes (or his wife's) and they are not perfect, neither am I. I'm really glad my mistakes are not broadcast for the entire world to see :) And hey, if you want to invite me to your huge lawn in our nation's capital and give me a tour that not many get to exerience, no way am I going to say no!!! It was so exciting for our oldest two kids. They jumped up and down for 30 minutes straight. As their squeals continued, another thought hit me. Ugh, I hate cities, crowds, traffic, germs, terrorists, public situations I can't get out of, and we're going to be exhausted since we will have just returned from Disney the night before. Would I be able to handle the pressure? I didn't want to disappoint my family. It was an exciting, chance of a lifetime. I spent the majority of the next 5 days talking through my insecurities with my husband, a psychiatrist and with a little security blanket (called Xanax) I managed to get REALLY excited about our 4th of July. Would we ever be able to top this summer? First Disney, now this? Yay!
Yesterday my husband called and said we were officially un-invited. What?! Apparently it was the event coordinator's wording on the invite that everyone misunderstood. They didn't have room for our family. My disappointment was far larger than I expected.. causing double disappointment. Why did I allow myself to get sucked into the excitement? We told all of our friends! How embarrassing! Didn't I KNOW this would happen? For once, no, I didn't see this coming. My military life's motto is "I'll believe it when we're doing it." I got so caught up in allowing myself to get comfortable with the idea of being in a place that made me SUPER nervous, (and succeeded in it) I was frustrated with my disappointment. Very much like the picture above of the little girl at the beach.
It seemed like no matter what happened this week (happy or sad) I was going to be disappointed. I have officially named this week "The week that couldn't be planned." I didn't even do a weekly menu... I know, right?!It's Thursday and I feel like a cat that's been forced to take a bath. Exhausted (from nothing) and grumpy. But, give me a little time to be grumpy and I'll get over it.
My kids are watching my reaction to the news and this week's events. I can chose to act three ways:
A) like it doesn't bother me at all (fake)
B) it's life altering (dramatic)
C) a mix of both (real)
I chose "C", because really it IS disappointing. If I was in control, it wouldn't be like this. So I can be real about feeling disappointed...because being disappointed isn't what defines me. It's a real feeling, I will display it, but it won't determine how I function during the rest of our week. THAT'S what I believe my kids need to see. What you might need to see.
It is what it is, and each event is not something so huge that I need to take action and force it to happen. I will go with the flow, even though it goes against (almost) every fiber in my being. :)
I'm learning.
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