Guilty mom syndrome...

"Oh give me patience when wee hands 

 tug at me with their small demands

And give me gentle and smiling eyes

 Keep my lips from hasty replies

And let not weariness, confusion or noise

 obscure my vision of life's fleeting joys.

So when in years to come, my house is still

 no bitter memories its room may fill." 

~~~~~~~~~~~

It's been awhile since I've written. I've thought about it... I've had the time. I've even had some good topics! But none of my thoughts could close all the loose ends that were developing. So I have been waiting. 

In fact, I've been "hurrying up, to wait" since my last post! 

To catch up: 

Mr. and I decided that we wanted our foster daughter to be close to her brother, so when he was born, and the state offered his placement to us, we accepted. I was very stressed about the timing of this because Mr. was supposed to leave for 2 weeks and then come home for a weekend, help me pack and then we were headed to my folks' home for the holidays. How could I do all this WITH a newborn. Well ironically, baby2 came THE SAME DAY my mister left. Really?? 

To top it off, within hours of bringing him home, we all came down with the cold/flu. M (our daughter) and I got hit with it the worst. She was taken into the hospital, twice, for breathing issues. In all honesty, I was in the height of my glory. Weird right? I was struggling, I was alone, but I was making it! I felt really good about how I was handling everything. (compared to the last time I went through a trial like this) I felt like crap physically, but I was surviving. I was mentally ready to fly for the holidays (which never happens) and I was so proud of myself! I was gracefully struggling. I was proving to myself that I was tougher than I thought. 

After that, things kinda got....I don't know, funky? To sum up how things have been for the past 4 months, in one word, would be: discontent

Honestly, I've been embarrassed to admit this feeling for quite some time now. I feel burnt out, and bored. But that doesn't make sense... to anyone, especially me. 

N-4 months old

I can't say it's the new baby that has changed things. He is more than perfect. He's pleasant, he sleeps through the night, he eats and poops when he's supposed to. I am in love with this little man! How can you not be? Look at his precious little face! It's not the amount of kids we have... it's the stage in life I'm at. (I think)

I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out what's different. So far, this is what I've come up with:

K-18 months-I can't keep up with this guy!

E-14months

My toddlers are in a different phase than they were 4 months ago. Instead of staying together, in one room, and playing quietly, they are always going in two different directions like tiny tornados. They have not learned to clean up after themselves, and they find joy in emptying cabinets, dumping bookshelves, doing the most dare deviling thing they can come up with, cleaning out dressers onto the floor, and figuring out how much noise they can make before mommy goes nuts. All normal things... x2. I can't keep up with their messes and I hate that. I really want a clean, organized house. But they are wearing me out. (so how can I be "bored" right? I don't know.)

T- age 3

My three year old has been acting extremely tired and grumpy. So much so, that I took him in for a check up and discovered he has a pretty loud heart murmur. After a normal EKG, we've determined it just makes him tired sometimes, and he needs to nap more than he used to (he did not have this murmur at December's well-check). He's also old enough to know what he wants, when he wants it and can verbalize it. The problem is, just because he verbalizes it, doesn't mean he's going to get what he wants. Commence the screaming. No, not crying, not a tantrum... a blood curdling, top of his lungs, scream, simply out of frustration. I SHOULD be thankful that he's not hitting or biting or doing anything else to express his frustration. Screaming is pretty minor. IF he were an only child. But his unexpected "siren" grates on my nerves day in and day out. I beg the other kids not to antagonize him so I don't have to hear the outcome of his frustration.

M-age 5 with Matthew West

My five year old girl is very spunky. If you knew me as a child... then picture her. The world ends at least 3 times a day. She constantly need reaffirmation that she is beautiful, and she is not disappointing. This is unfamiliar territory for me. I'm parenting out of my realm of "expertise". I want her to feel humbly confident and yet she's struggling. Very similar to how she was when our first foster daughter was suddenly removed to a therapy home and daddy was deployed. She similar to me in so many ways, and yet so different.

P- 9 years

My nine year old is also entering unfamiliar territory. He is experimenting with boundaries, and fibbing, and independence. He's often frustrated and, if looks could kill, I would be dead on a daily basis. He's entering the "life isn't fair" stage. With age comes responsibility and he doesn't like it. Who does? He's identical to me in every way but one.. he's male, I'm female. He combats anxiety like I do, he is a talker, he is imaginative, sensitive and yet he is very stubborn.

My husband and I are basically tag-teaming with these six. He walks in the door and I figuratively high-five him and "retreat" for 30 minutes or more in a quiet spot. These days.. there are no true quiet spots. 

1st date in awhile-Out for my bday :) 

We have time to go on dates.. but the effort it takes is almost not worth it. I hate saying that. (I'm not saying anything he is not aware of). By the time I clean the house, prep a dinner, find a sitter, wash my hair, find an outfit I actually enjoy wearing, and laying out everything the sitter needs... I would much rather put the kids to bed, stay in my pjs and sit downstairs for a night in. SO.. we've tried to do that a few times. Only, the kids keep getting out of bed, coming down and interrupting. And to continue complaining...I'm basically a prisoner in my own home most of the time, so as much as I hate the effort of going out, I need it. The walls of this house are slowly closing in, it seems. What I have to "give" to "get" is not equaling out for quality time with the mister. He's feeling it too. 

I only leave the house for "needs". It costs us $10-$12/hour for a sitter. So I'm not using my girls for time alone, or to give myself a break. By the time 6 kids get well-checks, dentist appointments, eye appointments, sick-checks, and my own doctor's appointments... I'm gone at least 3 times a week with a few exceptions. Combine that with gymnastics and visitation each taking up one day of the week, and I feel like I'm always catering to life's schedule. We spend almost $600 a month JUST on sitters for basic appointments. It's insane. Most of the time, I don't run errands alone. Why would I want to spend more money to go out for fun? Ah! 

I also find it's important to spend quality time with each kid. With this many kids it's easy to feel left out. So I've been spending one on one time with each one as much as it's afforded. When I run errands, I take one with me, and make it extra special. I'm trying to make the most of my time. 

I'm internally begging for change from the mundane. My life feels like the movie "Groundhog Day". But when I evaluate life, I'm constantly being thrown something "unexpected". So why would I crave something new, a change of scenery, when life is already crazy all the time? I don't understand my own contradictions. I can't keep up with what I have so why am I complaining? 

Here's the horrible part. I have at least 6 friends that I can think off the top of my head that are struggling to have a child, or have lost a child to death within the past 4 months. And I am feeling incredibly guilty for this funk that I am in. I know what I sound like! An ungrateful little brat who can't be happy with a nice home, gorgeous husband and 6 very beautiful, healthy children. What is wrong with me? 

And here comes the mom guilt.... 

I'm also pretty lonely. Crazy right? I could go make more friends, but I don't want to. Most people are weird, and I don't "click" with a lot of people. The ones I have clicked with, have moved away, or we have moved away. But surrounding myself with a bunch of weird people doesn't sound fun to me. It's worse than being by myself with a houseful of kids. It's too much effort to go find normal friends I think. "Ain't nobody got time for dat!" I'm not the social butterfly I used to be. I want friends, but not the effort it takes to get one. Pathetic right?

So forgive me.. I'm a negative nancy right now. I'm in a funk and I'll get out of it, I just thought I would have done so already. Maybe admitting this will help me get move on, or maybe it will help someone who can relate. But man.. the cycle of mom guilt, and my own discontent is driving me nuts.

I need a major attitude adjustment...


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eye appointment for one of them. No sitters available that day, so I took all 6 kids. (I'm wearing baby) It was a circus. 

This is Mr. T- I sent them outside to give my migraine a break, and look out to see him using the trampoline ladder to climb the fence! Ah!