Endangered Species: A year ago...

I was reading an old journal entry this morning. The date on it was March 3, 2012

It is interesting to see where I was a little over a year ago. I am doing much better now. But this entry just shows how great our God is. I wanted to post my entry on here for public eyes... you never know... someone might need this today.

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My dr. sent an informative Red Cross message to my hubby's commander. I had lost more weight and he said my appearance and answers to his questions were not sufficient enough to make him confident I could last another 5 months more of deployment without a breakdown. I sadly had to agree. I was in a rut and I knew it. I was crushed.

My memory lapses had caused more than a few concerns with his office (showing up for appointments I didn't have and missing ones I did) and I KNOW it's due to the lack of good sleep and food. I was running a million miles a minute and after the horrible experience with the medicine I was feeling very discouraged.

The call was meant to be informative but it put in place a wave of decisions that neither hubs or I had control over. And a "struggling spouse" is common place in the military world so they looked at my dr's call as a concern but hands were tied. If they let my husband come home for a "break" they'd have to let everyone else, whose spouses "cried wolf", go home too. I understood completely. I expected they would say that. I knew I needed him, but was prepared they would not be able to send him home for a break. So I heard the answer and was trying to digest what my plan of action would be.. it was a daunting task for my brain to piece together. "Where do I go from here?" was all I kept replaying in my head.

Less than a day later I got the message that he was being given a different job. One that would send him home for the remainder of deployment. His commanders were switching him out with someone back home. This tore me up. My inability to find a "new normal" was causing someone else pain. I'm sure this man's wife was not pleased he would be leaving her side. I had to put that thought aside. It literally made me sick to think about her pain and that I had caused it. I was in the bathroom trying to collect myself.

My daughter soon came to me in tears. She was having another "missing daddy so much my tummy hurts" episode and I couldn't pull my tears together enough to hide them from her. We just sort of melted onto the bathroom floor together. I realized the situation was out of my control and bigger than my pride. I needed help and if this was the door that God was opening than I needed to swallow my pride and accept it.

This also meant that his entire unit became aware that I was failing. I was humiliated for myself of course. But mostly my husband who had spent two days retelling each "person in charge" down the line, why the dr. Red Crossed him. He is a VERY private man. Work and Family do not cross very often in his life. And this put him out of his comfort zone. He did well, with honor and a spirit I knew he had, but I knew this did not make him comfortable. He is not embarrassed of me, it's just not like him to talk about private matters concerning his family to co-workers. He looked physically drained when I saw him on the webcam for the last time.

I was told by someone in Rear D that it would probably take all week to get him home. Once he left the country, he would have no way to reach me to tell me his status. They would notify me when his last plane took off but not to expect him to hear from him for about a week. I didn't sleep for 48 hours just waiting to see when he would load his first plane. The wait is always the WORST.

Surprisingly he was home in less than 24 hours from when he called to tell me he was boarding his first plane. Two days after he left, I got the call from a blocked number. I expected it to be someone from Rear D... but it was his voice instead. He said, "I'm home, can you come get me from the office?" OF COURSE I CAN!

The hello was somber. (not for the kids, they were bonkers with giddiness!) We were both still processing the events that had happened in the past 72 hours and it was surreal. Due to jetlag he was up almost all night his first night home.. and I couldn't stop staring at him and was afraid to sleep for fear this was all just a crazy dream. So I stayed up with him.

Last night, 5 days after his arrival, my body finally let go. I let my guard down so hard, hubs had trouble waking me up the next day. I seriously could not open my eyes. This is good.. this is healthy but.. this is hard.

I need to forgive myself. I have "welcome home guilt" for all the spouses I know in his unit whose hubbies are still over there. I need to get over my pride and realize that this job was bigger than I could handle. The pace was too much and I didn't start out on the right foot.

The ordeal with our foster daughter being removed suddenly and the horrible interaction with our caseworker set me in a tailspin that I never fully recovered from the months before he left for war. (thankfully we've had closure on this, but not until a week before he came home. That's a story for later.) I basically wasn't finished mourning the issues of one thing before another thing hit me. And it never stopped after he left. And now that he's home it still isn't stopping.

This is just reassurance that God knew what would happen in these present days/weeks and HE knew I would need my best friend. Our van completely quit the day I was supposed to go pick him up. It needs worked on and there's no way I could have dealt with this while he was away. My gpa is dying as I type this, I needed him here to hold me. You name it.. it's hitting and hubs is now right here by my side fighting for me and with me. I love this man.

I'm blessed that God moved a mountain for me. I'm humbled and humiliated in myself for not trusting God more. I need time to properly forgive myself for failing to "do it all perfectly" because there is no such thing.

I start therapy this week with hubs to help me combat this depression/insomnia/anxiety without anti-depressant meds.. and to help me do better at helping the kids process their loss for the next deployment. I need to learn some things and this is the only way it could happen... so no matter how crappy I feel.. this is what needs to be done and I know it's for the best.

Don't get me wrong.. I am not at all ungrateful he is home. I simply can't get enough of him. But my heart is with those who had to stay.. and the spouses they left behind. I remember my struggle because it's still so fresh for me. So, I pray for their strength over my weakness.