Any military spouse knows the rules of the road when it comes to your spouse being away. In fact, I'd go as far to say ANYONE who's had a spouse that travels often, knows this. The devil strikes harder when you are without your shipmate. Everything that can go wrong, will.
I used to be overwhelmed by this. It caught me off guard every single time. But now, I expect it. I expect the worse so that when it happens, I'm ready. It's never as bad as I imagine it, so that helps. My mind can seriously think of the worst! (hence my panic attacks) So I'm kind of a professional pessimist. I know... you're jealous.
Anyway! So here it comes, my first week of homeschool, hubby is gone until middle of next month (oh, and don't take that news as I'm helpless. I wouldn't try to rob me or kidnap me, I'm straight crazy). Day 3 leads off with our foster baby having 4 "absence seizures". At least that's what we are 99% sure they are. It happened during her physical therapy session and both the PT and I noticed it. I took her to her pre-scheduled well check immediately following her PT session (isn't that crazy that I had that already scheduled? Yea, that's God). They checked her out, asked a bunch of questions and determined she should head up north to a pediatric neurologist. As thankful as I am for that referral.. I'm also frustrated. They couldn't get us in right away, which I expected. But, it's 2.5 hours away and my first visit, is just for evaluation purposes. No testing. I have to make a second trip (if you're a math person that's a 5 hour round trip with a sitter at $10/hour, yikes). I've been warned the testing could be all day, and most likely due to her age, they will keep her overnight for a sleep study/observation. The plus side to this? At least this isn't a hospital where germs and illnesses will be! This is straight up neurology people, no sickie germs. Phew!
The next day, baby girl was so fussy. I have never seen her so upset. I felt nervous about the seizures the day prior so I spent most of the day holding her. This isn't normal, but she is special and had a rough day the day prior! So I felt like I needed to reassure her a bit more than my other kiddos. It was also gymnastics day!! During this time, oldest 3 are occupied for an hour while I sit on wooden bleachers and entertain two little ones in a double stroller. I held baby girl the entire time and she wrestled me... the entire time. People were giving me dirty looks. I was sweating like crazy from the workout. Pretty soon my 3 yr old's teacher brings him to me and says "I'm sorry, he's out of control, he has to sit with you." No surprise. He is usually top student... of course he would get kicked out TODAY! Boy, we're on a roll! I already had my hands full, I was embarrassed and mad. He had to do pushups and go apologize to his teacher. (I don't mess around folks).
This is my rebel who got kicked out of class ------->
All the way home, baby girl cried. At this point, we're going on 9 hours of crying. It wasn't non-stop.. but it was loud, and if she wasn't crying, someone else was. Or multiple kids were crying. They couldn't hear me, I couldn't hear them, and I couldn't think straight. You may laugh at what I'm about to say, but I kept thinking. "If (husband) can do SERE school, I can do this... I can do this". It was the noise that was getting to me, not the chaos.
By the time I got home, my arms were tight from carrying one or more children all day, I couldn't call anyone and vent because they wouldn't be able to hear me. I sat in the driveway, shed a tear or two and then a certain girlfriend came to mind. My old roommate. She and I both have many children and are stay-at-home moms. I knew she would get this. So I sent her a text asking for prayer just to get me through bedtime. After she reassured me that she totally gets what I'm feeling, she prayed for me... yes, over text. Hello! It STILL works people... prayer is prayer.. even in text. This was her prayer for me:
"Dear God,
"Dear God,
Be with E. Help her to see that she is managing blessings. Help her to give herself grace. Remind her of the joy that she has. Help her to see the big picture and all that she is doing well. Meet her in the chaos, Lord, and give her what she needs to finish the day. When you fed the five thousand you didn't immediately give them abundant baskets of all they needed ahead of time. You gave them what they needed for the next person and they pressed on in faith that there would be some left for the next person. And in the end, they realized you gave them abundance. Help her to accomplish just the next thing and in faith believe that you will provide what she needs for the next step. Bless her Lord and sustain her. Help her to look back and see that you gave her an abundance. In the midst of the chaos, Lord, we lift our hands in praise to you for the beautiful gift of children. In Jesus name, amen. "
Seriously... it was life to my weary bones. I needed that. I needed the reminder to keep the faith. We made bedtime 30 minutes late, but everyone crashed and slept 14 straight hours...including me. When we awoke, everyone was back to their normal, cute selves (including me).
I was spending that next evening feeling pretty good. The day was almost over with no disasters. YES! Supper was cleaned up, so I thought I would join the kids outside. I camped out on the trampoline with the babies and suddenly baby #4 ran to me screaming. I couldn't figure it out! I said "What's wrong K?" and he turned around where he was standing, and picked up a fuzzy, fat bumble bee. It was then that I saw his hand and it was swelling by the second! Crap! He has never been stung before! My sitter was at least a 20 minute drive away. I called my neighbor across the street and she was pulling in her driveway. Perfect timing! She ran over and watched my other 4 while I spent the evening with little-bit in Urgent care getting benedryl, cold compresses, and steroids.. then we just waited for the swelling to subside. Crazy how fast his hand/arm swelled! He's fine now... but that was pretty scary!
Next day: visitation day. I'm just going to say it... I'm never ready for this day. I have to pray the entire 45 minute drive for patience, peace and understanding. When I arrived, I had "drawn the short straw" between the social worker and supervisor. I "got" to tell mama bear about her baby bear and the seizures. I thought she had already been told! They voted and said she takes all news (good, bad or otherwise) very well from me. I am usually very kind and encouraging, but I am not afraid to speak truth when needed. Dad had just been released from jail literally 10 minutes before they walked in the room. They smelled lovely, lovely! So I tell them.. very carefully, and slowly. I paused to let them digest some things. But mom's response caught me off guard "what did you do to make her have a seizure" Let me clarify: she wasn't saying it out of anger or accusation.. she seriously does not know how seizures work. But I became very straight with her.
Without going into every detail of the conversation, I basically told her that her drug habits during both pregnancies could very well be the cause. Not a fact, but a very likely possibility. She has had almost 2 years to get her act together (add 9 months to her baby being almost a year old now). And she's STILL using and adding more drugs to her list! Even at 7 months pregnant with baby 2! I said, "It is very hard to sit here across the room from you and listen to every excuse in the book. I care about you very much, but I also care about your daughter like she were my own. In the 6 months I have spent with you, I have never heard you take responsibility for your actions. Let me tell you something... the only person in this room who is not at fault here is HER (and I held up baby girl)" I paused and then said, "I no longer want to hear your excuses. When you can pass three drug tests in a row, then you can have my listening ear back. But until then, we talk about baby and nothing else.". Bio-dad was shooting death looks at me. I wasn't yelling, but I was being very firm. I felt like I was talking to my 8 year old! I kept pausing to recollect myself and keep myself in check-- and to remind myself that I'm sitting in a very small room with two criminals, both of which are twice my size and have very little sense about them. I reminded them that I am not here to judge them, or upset them, but I am here to help. I can't make choices for them and love comes in all forms. This was tough love.
Hope, life, encouragement can come in tough forms too. As the hour came to a close, we were all relaxed and the tension had gone.
They got in their DHS transportation bus and as I turned to grab my keys, the social worker was high-fiving me and offering me a job. No thanks sister... no thanks. My job is the 5 little ones and a fabulous husband at home, and I am just fine working there. One hour a week was emotionally exhausting enough... I couldn't have several cases like this on a daily basis.
Side note: I do plan on learning more self defense techniques... I think sometimes, my firecracker has a bigger bang than sparkle and I might need to back up my words with a little more force some day. Just making sure we're trackin' here....
I drove home and this song came on my iPod. It made me tear up. Hope was spoken to me at the beginning of the week by my dear friend. I needed it. At visitation, I too spoke life, in a form that wasn't the norm. But I very much felt like it needed to be said. Love comes in all forms. Just remember that the next time you come in contact with someone.
"Speak Life" Lyrics by tobymac (not the song in it's entirety: album "Eye On It" <-----(highly recommend buying his album!)
Click here to hear this song
Click here to hear this song
"Some day, life feels perfect.
Other days, it just ain't workin'
The good, the bad, the right, the wrong
And everything in between
Though it's crazy, amazing
We can turn our hearts with the words we say
Mountains crumble with every syllable
Hope can live or die
So speak life, speak life
Through the deadest darkest night
Speak life, speak life
When the sun won't shine and you don't know why
Look into the eyes of the brokenhearted
Watch them come alive as soon as you speak hope
You speak love, you speak...
You speak life, you speak life
Some days the tongue gets twisted
Other days my thoughts just fall apart
I do, I don't, I will, I won't
It's like I'm drowning in the deep"
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