Focus...

This post may not make much sense. I can't give details on the situations so you may not relate to what I'm trying to say. In any case, I felt I needed to share, because I know I'm not the only one struggling this week.

For starters: We had a lovely four day weekend granted to us this past week. We spent the first part of it landscaping our front lawn and I did two sewing projects. Just as I was basking in the relaxation, my week started to get "bumpy" before my husband even returned to work.

It's now Wednesday and I'm thinking, "What am I supposed to learn from this?" and my answer is loud and clear.

Don't exchange what you want the most, for what you want at the moment. 

FOCUS

Let me rewind:
It started, I think, with a blog article I read on someone's FB feed. It was about a particular parenting method. I read it and I was mad. NOT because I disagree with what the blogger is saying.. but because of HOW she said it. I was livid. I even typed up a complete response to this blogger.... but I'm not going to post it anytime soon. I'm stepping away for a bit on the topic after this--

See, here's what I think.. parent how you want, but don't belittle or stereo-type those who don't do it your way. We should encourage each other as mothers... not tear each other down. There's a very CLEAR line of when a child is neglected or when a parent is irresponsible. In those cases, we need to speak up, hold each other accountable. But everything in between is seriously, your business. I'm not going to give you parenting advice unless you come to me and ask. Nor am I going to judge you if you have a different approach. If you don't like the way I do it, you don't HAVE to do it my way... I'm just telling you what works for me (because you asked). Here's the thing... God gave you your kids because He wants YOU to be their mommy, not me. And God gave me MY kids because he entrusts ME to be their mommy, not you. Don't find fault with me as a parent if my kids are obviously thriving. Throwing words around like "neglect, lazy and irresponsible" are hurtful and extreme... and frankly, not needed. I've seen what those words mean literally, and you are not using them correctly, lady. Insulting, doesn't accomplish ANYTHING.

Click here to read the article

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Ok... moving on. The next thing that had me reeling was a private situation with a neighbor friend of mine. His mother and I stood in for him, in a court case that he was not able to attend due to Army training. The result did not go in our favor. Again, I was mad at the world. I couldn't make sense of anything in that situation. How was THIS best? Everyone could see the writing on the wall, how did the judge even come to this conclusion? I spent the remainder of the day helping pack up the kids to go live elsewhere. It brought back many unexpected emotions of when we lost our first foster daughter in a very similar manner (quick and unexpected). In a matter of hours, their world was flipped upside down and they were innocent by-standers. In the quietness of my packing (while grammy was picking them up from school), I asked God several times, through tears "Where are You? I don't understand. Please tell me what You want me to do!" These kids weren't even going to get to say goodbye to their dad. It seemed so unfair.

Right then, I got a text from my FD's bio-mom. I have been working very hard at mending my relationship with her. It was the first time I had heard from her via text since week #1 of our case with her. It stopped me in my tracks. She was reaching out to me in tears. Bio-dad had been locked up again and she was upset. I was texting her encouraging tid-bits, packing up the sweet kiddos and weeping all at the same time. (thankfully I was alone!) Everyone's world seemed to be falling apart that day, except mine. I should be thankful, but I was weeping with my friends.

I went home that night, fell in bed in tears, and was out, before doing my normal bedtime routine. Yes, this means I did not brush my teeth! It's cool, judge me, just remember to be perfect for the rest of your life. :)

The next morning was visitation day. I had a migraine brewing, my eyes were puffy and I felt like death warmed over. It was VERY tempting to cancel visitation due to a migraine, but I felt God's thumb in my back to tough it out. Visitation turned out to be very lovely.. it was just her and I and baby. (don't correct my grammar, I'm venting) She talked, she cried, she said she knew that she wanted to chose her baby over drugs! This is a very great step in the right direction... admitting you want to do the right thing. I'm happy and sad at the same time.. why couldn't she have reached this conclusion sooner? When the hour was up, I felt like I had just done a session in grief counseling. I drove home and spent the rest of the afternoon/evening talking to my neighbor's mom about the day prior. Just us, processing things out-loud.

My husband had a very long work day and we decided to meet in town for some Thai food (which I find very comforting). On the way there I had a dear friend call with some serious concerns about spirituality. I never know the right things to say and I wished she were in my sunroom, drinking coffee with me while our kids napped quietly. I wanted to be in the "present" with her, and couldn't. Made me miss her even more. Knowing she needed a heart to heart, and distance was a factor. Sometimes, the phone just doesn't cut it, and sometimes I hate military life keeping us from our family/friends... this was one of those times.

I hung up and again, the tears came. But my phone interrupted me. My sweet lawyer friend was returning a call about my neighbor's situation and I regurgitated all I knew and thought about the situation. Afterwards, I ate our dinner quickly and updated hubby on everything I knew from that day. As we were loading the van to go home, I turned to my husband and said, "I just want to close my eyes, and be in our bed, in my comfy clothes, watching a funny movie, cuddled up with you while the kids are sound asleep in their beds. I don't even want to do the bedtime routine, I just want to close my eyes and magically be there." A kiss sufficed for the long drive home in separate cars.

Last night, I laid awake for awhile thinking of the past 6 days and what was the common factor. Everything was a distraction. In every situation I was more mad, more doubtful, I wanted to fight everything and rebuttal every single issue. When really, some things (like that blog article) don't deserve my attention. I need to remain focused on things above.

Phillipians 4:8-Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Life was pulling me in all different directions and I was failing to see the bigger picture. I was losing my focus and turning inward. Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off the goal. I can't help ANYONE if I'm distracted by events and not focused on the Master. 

Life is like a camera lens; focus on what's important and you will capture it perfectly.