It's not who you are that holds you back. It's who you think you're not.

Since my last post, a few of you have asked me about foster parenting. It is very "enchanting" to some. It still is to me too, on some levels. I can't see a picture of a "waiting child", without having a big long talk with my husband on why I want to take them all home. Especially when I see sibling groups, I just want them to have a good home and I think I provide that. Honestly, I would run an orphanage if I could. However, I know first hand, that it is NOT as enchanting as I once dreamed it could be. But I still have this "thing" about taking in orphans. Even though I know that it will break my heart when they are moved, I still do it.

When I tell people we are foster parents, they often think we are angels, crazy or both. Some, think foster parents do it for the money. (Because who would want broken children, right?) Others have had personal experience being abused in their foster homes and therefore think we are abusers. Everyone's view of fostering seems to be different. I rarely get a consistent response when I reveal that we are fostering.

We started the application process in 2007 and paused it during our first deployment. We were finalized (because we moved twice), in 2009. We were not placed right away because the county we had moved into, had no foster children to be placed. In June of last year, we were placed with our first case. 97 days later, she was taken to live in a therapy home because she had severe RAD (reactive attachment disorder). No one knew this before hand because she had been neglected. Her outbursts began tearing apart our children, especially our daughter. We were SO torn on not wanting FD to get caught in the system and still trying to do what was best for our family. It was a battle of mind/heart that I still have trouble processing sometimes. More on her later.

First off, we are not in it for the money, nor are we abusers. Ask my 8 year old and 4 year old, they will tell you every embarrassing fight my husband and I have had, what it was about, and who won... I'm sure they would have no problem telling the social worker we see every week, if we were abusing them. Back to the money: Often, they don't pay us for 2-3 months after placement and we have to have funds set aside to buy the little one anything they didn't come with. Our first child, came with nothing. Not even a toothbrush. It was the middle of summer and they found her with no clothes on, and the only clothes they found in her house were winter clothes. That's how she came to us; filthy, hungry, and in winter clothes that were too small. So we had to go out and get her everything, within hours of placement. We were only reimbursed for certain things. Currently, we work for two counties and there are huge differences for each county and how they fund their foster families. Since you never know what to expect, don't get in it for the money, you'll be disappointed. (I'll leave out my personal opinion of those that get in it for the money). Because you almost always have initial expenses, it's wise to have a little money set aside to prepare for a placement. Our current foster baby needed a crib. Ours is still being used by our littlest guy! So buying a new one was a must, and they are not cheap! She will soon need a new car seat and nope, no one will be reimbursing us.

Second; BEFORE you sign up for foster parenting, decide TOGETHER what cases you can and can't handle. If we didn't have children of our own, I think we would take just about any child. My husband worked for Rush University Medical Center for 3 years in the Children's Mental Health Ward. He's sat and worked through all kinds of issues with kids of all ages. We have the experience and the knowledge, but for the safety of our kids, we have clear boundaries set up. Also, because we know that it is hard to say "No", we have a strict rule that says we do not even want to be called if the case does not fit in our care plan. This saves us from ourselves, basically. Think what you want, but we can only help others, if our family is healthy and these rules make sure we can give our kids the love they need while still having room for an extra body or two. We do not think it is wise for us to take in sexual abuse cases, while we have our kids at home. So that leaves us with neglect cases. We also have rules about ages. We don't want any child older than our oldest. We do this to keep their birth order sanity in place. Our 8 year old takes great pride in taking care of his siblings and if an older child were to come in, he would feel threatened and probably not needed.

After our first case, (a four year old female), we decided no female children that were our daughter's age or older. Our daughter did not handle our last case well at all. After consulting with several therapists, we think it had to do with the age of the little girl we took in - they were only a month apart. Combine that with the RAD and it was not a good mix for our gal. Also, the way that foster child was removed so quick, our daughter had the grief process to work through (her first), backed up against daddy deploying. On top of trying to pick myself up, I also had to pick up my little girl and put her back together and the end result was my husband being sent home early from deployment to glue us ALL back together. It was not a fun "first" experience to say the least. I have since been able to follow that little girl as she finds her forever home and keep in touch with her new foster family. That has been a big part in the healing process. But because of her constant therapy, it will be awhile (if ever) that we can arrange to visit her. That makes me sad, but at least she is getting help. I learned that I don't know what I would do if I ever lost my spouse, and I do not know how I would heal if I ever lost one of my children.

You learn as you go. Do not be afraid to set these guidelines. Keep your family first and then the foster system and you will know how to adjust as you grow into a foster family. This does NOT mean to treat your foster child differently than your biological children, just watch your biological children to see how they adjust before you assume everyone is doing as fine as you are.

There is also a transition period, imagine that! For us, it lasts on average of 90 days. By then, you will have a better idea of where this child's case is going and your family will have adjusted to the new routine of visitations, etc. This is also how we prepare our hearts. We give the child all the love and attention they need, and make room for any additional "extras" that every one of the kids will need as they adjust. We hunker down and keep to ourselves so the adjustment can take place. We try not to put our family's routine "on hold" for too long, but we also don't run out and show the child off at a big function. It's a fine balancing act. The younger the child, the easier that adjustment period seems to be.

Above all, have a routine and a schedule. This is a must. I can't tell you how many calls I get from parents who chose not to implement schedules and are falling apart after child #2. They don't know how to eat, shower or sleep and since they aren't able to take care of themselves, they can't take care of their kids. A routine is a great way for a child to know what to expect, and eases the anxiety of a new child entering their environment. It also lets you know immediately if your child isn't coping well, often before they know it themselves. Making sure your kids (foster and biological) are a welcome part of your life, but are not your life- will save both your sanity and your marriage. Staying healthy is the only way you can help someone else.

Our most recent case came to us when she was 14 weeks old. She is now 8 months old. She was in kinship care from birth and well taken care of. We treat her as if she were our own. But our hearts always are on guard until we figure out how fast the case will be. We initially thought she would be with us just a few weeks. Then, they said until December. But as of yesterday we found out she will be with us until April, at least. From there, she will be up for adoption (if her parents don't follow through with their reunification steps) and if no family steps forward, they will ask us if we would like to adopt her. I always get asked if we would say yes to this. I hate answering that question because it's more than just a yes or no. I fear if I say "Yes!", it's a sure sign she will be taken back to her mom, and I will have to grieve. If I say "No" I feel guilty that you think I don't want her. Wanting or not wanting her is not the question. We want her or we wouldn't have signed up for foster care! But until they ask us if we want to adopt her, we don't get ahead of ourselves.

Another factor about this case, was not one that I saw coming. Her mother is pregnant again, due in November. In our state, we are only allowed 5 children (including our biological kids) under our roof. FD makes 5. So we are full. IF new baby brother doesn't get to go home with mom, the county will want to keep brother with sister. Does this mean they will take FD and move her to a home that can have a sibling group or will the judge make an exception and allow brother to live with us? I'd by lying if I said I haven't gone down this rabbit hole a thousand times in my head. Ultimately, FD has found a great spot in our home, with our kids and in our hearts. My kids would be so hurt if she were moved to another family. If she were moved back home, then that's different for our kids to process. (hard, but different) They would know she is going back to mom, that's easier to comprehend than a stranger. IF little brother is allowed to be with us, and we get that call... I, personally, can not say "No thanks!"I truly believe FD needs to be with, and get to know, her biological brother. I think they need to stay together. We have the bedroom space for another baby. However, mentally & physically, hubs and I are not wanting to do the "newborn stage" again for awhile. And to top it all off, we have no car space for a 6th baby. Car seats take up SO MUCH SPACE!

SO, to answer your question, due to little brother's arrival, we have not made up our minds completely on if we can adopt FD; simply because it has not been offered to us. Thanks to the Army, we live in a state of "We'll believe it when it's happening." So that's where we stand on this case.